Going Deeper

John sat at my table in the café on Sunday and I shared a recent dream with him. It was about a black cloud negatively affecting others and how I tried to protect them by telling them to think positive thoughts. 

He said to me, ‘You can create that – and then you use your personality to fix things.’ 

It took a few moments, and then I got to see something in me that was very core to the way I related to my own self and to others. I was so used to it that it was like the proverbial fish in the ocean finally being able to see the sea. Yet in the seeing of it, I was more like a fish thrown onto the shore, gasping for air, for what I saw was shocking to the core. And the pitfalls were all around me just as fast. Like negative emotionality (I knew that crying would be a way to indulge/keep it), or wanting to understand it (‘why?’). And I knew that I’d been doing it for many many lives. What to do with this huge, somewhat devastating, Seeing? 

'Just be on the look out for it,' John said. 'You’ll be walking around like a small child, big eyed. Just look for it everywhere.' He also said that it was innocent. 'Yes,' I said, 'I’ve not been really conscious of it until this moment.'  

John said that it had to do with power and with being self absorbed. Yes, and I saw the connection with my sense of bigness and control and I remembered when I’d tried at times to not be so self absorbed and to be more caring of others... all from the self. And John confirmed what I already knew about that approach to things – it doesn’t work. But this was very different. This was much bigger; a huge, clear, deep, sharp Seeing.

It’s effects are still reverberating in me as I write and even though it has left my self feeling disoriented and vulnerable, it is, I Know, so good. I don't have to do that anymore. I'm on the look out for it but already it feels largely replaced by more tender beingness.  
 

Until next time,

Love,

Shanti